Thursday, May 10, 2012

A Hard Grace

My vow—not the good kind—was painfully clear to me. Even after the speaker finished I was rooted to my seat. I got it; and I didn’t like what I was getting.

The paralyzing truth may have been God’s grace toward me that morning; but it didn’t feel like it. My friend sat with me; the rest filed out; into their day, unaware. The tears flowed; I hoped they weren’t noticed.

Like everyone, because of the circumstances of my life, I grew up believing certain things—lies—about myself. I’ve heard it said, “Children are great observers and horrible interpreters”. That was me. The twisted, warped interpretations of my life story led to a personal belief system that affected me negatively into adulthood. For several years I have been on the offensive; battling back with truth from Scripture.

But that wasn't enough. Those lies—besides being untrue personal statements—created additional havoc for me. It was subconscious; I didn’t realize what was happening—until that morning. I had made a vow (I didn’t know I had made a vow); the vow was powerful. The vow, what I said to myself because of the lies I believed, literally controlled my behavior.

For the first time, I saw it; and it was very discouraging.

In desperation, I asked my friend, “What do I do; where do I go”? Her wisdom didn’t seem to help. She gently responded, “Awareness is huge”.

She didn’t tell me to stop living from the vow; she didn’t tell to go and ask forgiveness; she didn’t tell me to beware of future pitfalls; she just said, “Awareness is huge”. She trusted the Holy Spirit in me to lead me and to guide me.

Awareness is huge! My friend was right. It was the gentle encouragement I needed.

My awareness is leading to some ah-ha understandings.
My awareness is helping me answer some of the whys in my life.
My awareness is paralyzing some days as I ask myself, is this
                                                                  because of the vow?
My awareness is opening some very encouraging conversations.
My awareness is spinning new angles on the circumstances
                                                                             of my life.
My awareness is changing me.

Awareness is HUGE. Awareness is a gift of God's grace. 

“When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you (make you aware) into all truth,”
John 16:13, parentheses mine

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