Neediness ... Weakness?

Have you seen this crazy movie? (You just learned my opinion.) Bob, Bill Murray, is pictured above with his therapist, played by Richard Dreyfuss. Bob is neurotic, phobic, obsessive-compulsive, and much more - majorly needy!  Not literally, but inside crying for attention.

Do you ever have Bob-moments? 
What is the path they lead you down?

D-
    O-
        W-
            N - an accurate word picture.

Bob experiences attention deficit that he tries to fill with the wisdom of a professional; neediness exudes. Some see, and Bob feels, weakness.

Our needs are NOT weaknesses.

"It is the nature of the soul to need." Soul Keeping, p.81. 

God created us with needs so He can be our provider, so He can meet those needs. My friend, Bill Thrall says it this way, "Love is the process of meeting needs." 

Needs invite us to experience God more deeply.

Needs are not weaknesses; they are opportunities to receive and experience love, the love of God and the love of others.

We all came into this world with a Bob complex, with the need for attention ... among other needs. When I admit it, I have the opportunity to deepen relationships. Needing attention is not a weakness.

As a young wife and full-time missionary, I didn't get this. Yes, I knew I wanted attention, but if I had been brave enough to voice that, I would have learned I was seeking the attention in all the wrong ways. I thought wanting attention showed neediness, weakness, and I sure didn't want to own those descriptors. My self-esteem suffered, I began to believe lies like I'm not good enough. SHAME! It never, NEVER occurred to me to take my neediness, my desire for attention to God. 

I'm discovering that my attention needs are met in relationship, relationship with God and relationship with others.

God created me; he knows me and the needs he put in me to draw me to him. When I pay attention and listen to the words he whispers to me, I experience his attention; his love. 

I was sitting on a sofa in front of the quiet fire reading one of Brennan Manning's books early one spring day. As I turned to the new chapter, Brennan opened with Song of Solomon 7:10, "I am my beloved's, and his desire is for me." In those few words God's love exploded in my heart; I experienced his attention! I knew he called me beloved, but the thought that he had desires for me, WOW, that was overwhelming. And if God is for me, who can be against me? God gives attention by paying attention to the details, the desires of my life. In receiving his attention, I receive his love.

Often God meets the needs I have for attention through others, like my husband. Unlike God, he is not all-knowing. Sometimes I initiate and share my attention needs with him. In doing that I give him permission to meet those needs. And I experience his love.Sometimes I don't and the downward path begins. I experienced God meeting that need through Bill earlier this month when he publicly shared how I met one of his needs. It was humbling and affirming; God met that need through Bill.

 On Sunday mornings, our pastor often brings our time of worship to a close with the familiar words from Numbers 6:24-26, "The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace."

As I look down the pew, many are standing with hands uplifted. We want to receive this blessing.

The pronouns in this scripture are all personal. This is a blessing for us individually. And an accurate picture of this verse is of God stopping in front of you, focusing his eyes on yours, giving you his full, undivided attention, and offering his peace. Shalom, the most positive words he can offer for our well-being.

My need for attention is not weakness; it is an opportunity to experience the love of God.

How about you ... are you allowing God to meet your needs? To show you his personal love?

Red Hot Buttons

It happened again.

The old familiar cycle repeated itself A-GAIN!

So frustrating. Why can't I break this pattern?

The circumstances may be different; the contexts may be different; the pattern is the same.

Atychiphobia strikes again!

At least in my eyes.

Her husband commented to her, When we go to visit your family in the city, you always turn into a different person. I guess I'm not the only one.

A few months ago while visiting my extended family, it happened. That is sometimes fertile ground for my atychiphobia. But truly I've experienced many other contexts as well where my victim-hood shines, I'm not good enough.

Over the years I've tried different methods to reach my good enough goal. What outfit might be just right for this occasion? How should I style my hair? What thoughts should I offer for this dilemma - what would sound really wise? 

It boils down to people pleasing, and the cycle begins.

It starts with this unhealthy self thought, I'm not good enough. This is the fuel the feeds the cycle.

But I can handle this, I think. I review Psalm 139, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." (verse 14)

But even that truth is not quite enough.

I hide my feelings and paste on a smile.

I take cover away from others trying to erase my reality and protect myself.

These resistance techniques are digging me deeper into despair.

Now I'm tempted to act out, No, I DON'T want to go shopping with you. No, I DON'T want to go to that meeting.
 
I justify that decision. I need time and space to lick my wounds.

Blame is easy, they really don't know me and my opinions are not important to them anyway.

The shame sets in. I'm a mature woman. I should know better than to be acting so foolish.

Truly I'm not good enough. 

My hope that it will ever change vaporizes.




And round and round the cycle I go.



David's cry in Psalm 30:2 gave me words, "O LORD my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me." I prayed for God to heal ... or at least give relief from this damaging cycle. Hope begins to surface. Awareness is huge.

1. Remember and review my primary identity, the beloved child of God. Be on the offense.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us ...

called children of God ... exactly who we are."

I John 3:1, The Message

2. Remember and review God's personal whispers to me concerning atychiphobia. Be on the defense.

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you,

and before you were born I consecrated you."

Jeremiah 1:5

3. Be humble enough to invite my community, a few trusted friends to 'come with me', when I know atychiphobia could be knocking at my door. Ask them to pray; ask them to text scriptures. 

"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light,

we have fellowship with one another,

and the blood of Jesus his son cleanses us from all sin."

I John 1:7

"Therefore confess your sins to one another

and pray for one another, that you may be healed.

The prayer of a righteous person has great power and is working."

James 5:16

I'm thinking, this is the way of escape.

"Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.

God is faithful,

and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability,

but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape,

that you may be able to endure it."

I Corinthians 10:12, 13 (bolding mine)

Reviewing truth, walking in the light, inviting community - these are life-giving principles to overcoming atychiphobia. 

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity,

but of power, love, and self-discipline."

II Timothy 1:7 NLT 

Forgiveness and the Child of God

(The sentence I cannot agree with in the above quote is "the forgiving free spirit of children is our true nature." If it said that forgiveness is part of our nature as children of God then I would agree.)

It happened in the '80s. I remember the feelings it conjured up as if it were yesterday. We carpooled together, my friend and I, their two daughters, our two sons. Most of the time without incident.

But then there was this one day, and one disagreement leaving two estranged friends. Oh, it takes so little.

I laid on my bed and sobbed. She was a good friend; friendship is important to me. But I couldn't get past the hurt. Left up to myself, the pit was too deep.

Thankfully, God did not leave me up to myself. He brought another along side; another who was un-involved; another who loved enough to get involved and lead me to truth. This time it was my husband.

Sue, is this hard worth losing your friend over? His simple nine word question was the beginning of the turn.

Finally, repentance came, forgiveness happened, and a friendship was restored.

Why is it so hard to repent and forgive?

My identity is at stake. Is this how a child of God behaves? My behavior and my incorrect theology are in conflict. As a beloved child of God, I still sin.

Pride. Repentance calls for me to agree with God for my piece of this mess. Asking forgiveness puts me at the mercy of the other. I forfeit control to God and my friend - that calls for humility.

Fear. that my asking for forgiveness will not cure the issue. What if this wrong is held over my head? Will this incident always defines our friendship?

Shame. Admitting my wrong means to admit something is wrong in my thinking or in my perspective. Is our friendship worth being the wrong one?

Stubbornness. Faulty thinking gets faultier and faultier the more I try to make it look different.

Trust. In my pride, my fears, my shame, and my stubbornness the common thread is I am not trusting God!
 
    And the question became, how can I invite God in and trust him with this mess?

"O God, you know my folly;

the wrongs I have done are not hidden from you."

Psalm 69:8

Author and blogger, Ed Cyzewski writes, 

"Perhaps this Psalm comes as bad news to some. Some may read this as a kind of “surveillance God” peering into our lives, seeking any kind fault or reason for judgment or exclusion.

However, what if God’s awareness of our hidden faults is the best kind of good news, the good news we all need. Jesus spoke of himself as a doctor who has come to heal, and the prophets are filled with accounts of God mourning that Israel will not turn back to him.

What if God is a lover who sees our foolishness and faults and still remains enamored with us? God sees our secret sins and wants nothing more than our healing and redemption.

There is grace and mercy for us before we even acknowledge our failings. In many ways, confession is more for us than it is for God. Confession convinces us that God has known who and what we are all along and still wants to call us his beloved."

Me and my good friend Barb, April 2016.

"Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."

James 5:16

Temptation, Shame, Community

Because of a course we're taking together, our conversation revolved around shame. She said, it's so hard to dig out. And when my shame is so obvious to me, it is so hard to connect to the grace of God.

I agree. 

Later, praying over our interaction, God brought Paul's words nestled in I Corinthians to mind, the way of escape.

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.

 God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability,

 but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape,

 that you may be able to endure it."

I Corinthians 10:13

I noted:

     * Temptation is a common issue.

     * God has a fence around temptation.

     * God provides a way of escape.

     * It won't overpower me.

A friend once commented that holiness is living with nothing hidden. Holiness is living in the light. I'm thinking that is the message of I John 1:5-10.

Then my thoughts circled back to Paul and his testimony in Philippians 1. In verses 19 and 20, he declares, 

"through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ

 this will turn out for my deliverance,

 as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be ashamed ..." 

Paul was living in the light with his Philippian community. He was asking for their prayers. And his hope was, he would not be ashamed. 

Community was one key to him not being ashamed. Living in community involves humility.

Questions began to swirl ...

What is more important to me my reputation (or what I think it is) or living in the light?

What is more important, victory from the sin that is causing the shame, or living with it?

Who is my community?

Will I trust them with me, with my humanity, with my shame?

Do I believe there is a way of escape?

What questions do these scriptures bring to your mind?

What is the shame you are in the midst of? 

Will you believe your community can help?

Will you risk living in the light?

If you would like, I'm glad to be a trusted community for you.

Next week my friend David shares his story in a powerful 5 minute video. You won't want to miss hearing this.

 

The Angel's Message for Mary

(If you haven't read the Echoes December 2 post, please scroll down and read it first.)

Thank you, Marcia Carole for your lovely rendering of this event.

Identity Leading to Courage

Luke 1:26-38, The Message Translation

In the sixth month of Elizabeth's pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to the Galilean village of Nazareth to a virgin engaged to be married to a man descended from David. His name was Joseph, and the virgin's name, Mary. Upon entering, Gabriel greeted her:

     Good morning!

     You're beautiful with God's beauty,

     Beautiful inside and out!

     God be with you.

She was thoroughly shaken, wondering what was behind a greeting like that. But the angel assured her, "Mary, you have nothing to fear. God has a surprise for you: You will become pregnant and give birth to a son and call his name Jesus.

     He will be great,

          be called 'Son of the Highest."

     The Lord will give him 

          the throne of his father David;

     He will rule Jacob''s house forever -

          no end, ever, to his kingdom."

Mary said to the angel, "But how? I've never slept with a man."

The angel answered,

     The Holy Spirit will come upon you,

          the power of the Highest hover over you;

     Therefore, the child you bring to birth

          will be called Holy, Son of God.

"And did you know that your cousin Elizabeth conceived a son, old as she is? Everyone called her barren, and here she is six months' pregnant! Nothing, you see, is impossible with God."

And Mary said,

     Yes, I see it all now:

          I'm the Lord's maid, ready to serve.

     Let it be with me

           just as you say.

Then the angel left her.

With your translation of choice open to this passage, allow these questions to set a tone for your Advent. We'd love to hear what you are hearing in these timeless words.

What surprises you about this passage?

If this is all you know about Mary, how would you describe her?

     How do you see her humanity?

     What do you appreciate about her character? Why?

"O favored one, the Lord is with you!" (v.28) What a wonderful affirmation.

     What kinds of things may have been swirling in Mary's head hearing these words?

          If you heard these words, what might you be thinking?         

     What security does this affirmation offer? 

     The Lord is with us today as well. If I trust this, how would it change

          how I view my circumstances?

What surprises have you received from" God?

     How have you responded when the surprises have the potential of shame?

"Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God." (v. 30)

     "Favor" is sometimes translated "grace". Having just celebrated Thanksgiving and now looking

     toward Christmas, list some ways you have found favor with God, and thank Him for each

     one. 

Think about "How will this be, since I am a virgin?" (v. 34) 

     Do you sense God nudging you to believe something "new" or "big"?

     Might your response be, "How will this be, since ____________?"

"Behold, I am the servant of the Lord;" (v. 38) 

     Mary allowed her identity to provide her with courage to respond, 

          "Let it be to me ..."

     What words do you use to describe your identity as a believer?

          How will your identity provide you with courage in this next week?

You might want to write out a conversation with God over what you are hearing from Him.

And if you're willing to share, we'll all be blessed. And we'd be honored to pray for you.

Next Thursday, Matthew 1:18-25.

  

Dorene, Absent from the Body, Present with the Lord

I remember the last conversation we had standing in the front of the sanctuary that Sunday morning.

Both of us had moved away from California and both were back. Dorene and her husband Clarence moved back after a ten year hiatus serving with the Billy Graham organization. Bill and I were back for the weekend and Bill was preaching that morning.

I had my wife of the preacher hat on.

Dorene and I hugged in greeting. It was so good to see her again. I think she felt the same.

But there was a sadness about her. And she trusted me with it.

She spoke words of hurt. This woman who had a big heart for ministry to other women could no longer identify her place. Involved before her move in the women’s ministry was truly only the tip of her encouraging heart. Her smile invited trust; she listened; she prayed; she led.

It seemed to her, that was all history. Younger women held the positions she once defined herself by. Who was she now? Where did she belong?

I listened—kind of—all the while formulating my response.

I cringe remembering my words.

Oh, Dorene, no. You still have much to offer; you still are a great blessing—or some platitudes along those lines.

Really, what did I know? We were visiting for the weekend.

Our perceptions of reality, our feelings ARE TRUE FOR US—whether or not they are truly true. My words tried to negate her true.

Love is kind. I wish my words had been kinder; even, Oh Dorene, that must be so hard, would have been kinder.

God’s wisdom is pure, peaceable, gentle, merciful, sincere. Inviting her to tell me more would have shown wisdom and true concern.

Praying with her and for her right there in the midst of the growing congregation would have communicated care and that she is still important to me.

I did none of the above.

Her recent death brought this story back. My shame is real and is also fading. 

"Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble" Psalm 107:1, 2.

God is redeeming this story for me. I’m learning to listen better; I’m learning to be kinder; I’m learning to let my words be prayers.

Although I can’t speak for Dorene, like I’ve been vulnerable with you, she was vulnerable with me that morning. She didn’t find an understanding soul in me, but I bet she shared her feelings with others too. My guess is that she found a community of grace who loved her well in the midst of her hard.

In the Cover of Your Presence

David was in a precarious place. 

David heard that the Philistines were in the city of Keilah and were robbing the threshing floor. Feeling responsibility, he inquired of the Lord as to whether he should attack the Philistines. He heard a yes.

The problem was however that his men were afraid of the Philistines and didn’t like this plan. David, listening to his men, again inquired of the Lord and heard the same response. And so they went down to Keilah and experienced a great victory.

But the story continues. Enter Saul.

Saul heard that David had come to Keilah and Saul was ready for war. The victory is fading in the fear of what's next. 

Once again, David prays. God’s answers led to great shame. Saul was coming after him and his army and the people of Keilah—those he had just protected—were planning to hand David and all his men over to Saul.

So David came up with an escape plan. They left Keilah and went wherever they could go hiding in the wilderness.

In those few verses there is victory and there is shame which led to hiding. And there is God whose character is on display and whose purposes are carried out through David.

This incident recorded in I Samuel 23:1-14 may well be what was in David’s mind as he penned the words of Psalm 31.

The shame sprinkled throughout Psalm 31--

               Because of my adversaries I have become a reproach, especially to my neighbors, v.11

               O LORD, let me not be put to shame, for I call upon you; v.17

 is offset by the abundant protection of God. The words refuge, rescue, redeemed, delivered, trust, steadfast love also appear multiple times.

Although difficult to see, in the above picture, half-way up or half-way down this cliff is an Eagle's nest, big enough to fill the back of a pick-up truck. In The Message translation, Psalm 31:2 reads, "Your granite cave a hiding place, your high cliff aerie (nest) a place of safety."

As I look up at that nest, safety is not the first word that comes to mind. It seems downright scary to me. Then I remember my husband's wisdom, safety is not the absence of danger, but the presence of the Lord.

But I especially find encouragement in verse 20, “In the cover of your presence you hide them from the plots of men;”

David found safety in the cover of His presence. Can you fill in the blanks with a piece of your story? When did you experience the cover of His presence?

Next Thursday, I’m sharing a piece of my story. A modern day story that could end in shame except that God is a redeeming, loving, rescuing God who … if I will trust … will show His love even in these places in the cover of His presence.

So, come back next Thursday for the rest of the story—or at least an illustration of how I have experienced the reality of Psalm 31. 

                      "Blessed GOD! His love is the wonder of the world. Trapped by a siege, I panicked. "Out of sight, out of mind," I said. But you heard me say it, you heard and listened."                     Psalm 31:21 and 22, The Message